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I’m at a local store, I know the checkout girl, nice enough girl, but not really my type, and we’re making small talk when,

Checkout Chick: “Would you like to go out some time if I asked?”

Me: “Hey, that’s very nice, I’m not really looking to date anybody right now.”

What just happened? Was that me blowing someone off? In one moment, I was inside the mind of every girl who’d ever told me she was interested. In that moment I understood.

Most of your nightmares about a girl “rejecting” you are not real. Among non-Christians it is extremely rare for a girl to give you a hard “no” or a mean “no”. Among Christian women it is virtually non existent. Why don’t women just give a clear no, if they’re not interested? For the same reason I told Checkout Chick that I wasn’t interested in dating anyone right now.

I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I felt very flattered, but just wasn’t interested. I wanted to communicate that I wasn’t interested in a way that protected her from feeling bad about herself. I remembered all the women in the past who had given me similar responses. I used to be slightly angry that women never gave me a clear no when they weren’t interested. I see now that they just didn’t want to hurt my feelings.

I’m not alone in this either, my colleague John S. has had to do the same thing. A woman expresses interest, but you don’t reciprocate and you have to tell her something. Learning to recognize this behavior in women will keep you from wasting your time pursuing or mooning after a girl who is just not interested.

A quick rule of thumb for seeing whether or not a woman is really interested is just noticing if she’s making an effort, contributing anything at all to the interaction. If you want to get coffee on Saturday, but she’s “busy”, she might be trying to dissuade you, or she might actually be busy! If she’s open to you, she will be willing to work out another time, or continue interacting or just trying to contribute something. As long as she’s “giving” something to the interaction don’t assume that you haven’t got a chance.

If she’s not giving something to the interaction though, then she’s probably not really interested. The upside to that though is that you can stop spending your time on that avenue. That frees up your time and energy for someone or something else. You’ll find that you’re actually relieved when a girl gives you this kind of signal, you won’t feel like you’ve wasted your time.

So, if a girl’s not interested, but won’t be clear, don’t be angry, she’s just trying to let you down easy. Once you notice when this is happening, you become free of uncertainty and actually feel like you’re making progress. You’re also tuning up your social sense, and it makes it that much more exciting when you notice that a girl really is interested.

Keep your eyes open, 

Michael D.

When I attended Big Christian U. (name changed to protect the etc.), we had an interesting problem.

Guys were not asking girls out and… that’s it. And when that rare eventuality arose, were, according to my female friends, a favored line was, “I think God wants us to be together.” The favored reaction was an internal dialogue of, “Must get away from the crazy person.”

I had one friend who believed that you shouldn’t date until you could provide for a wife. And even then you shouldn’t date, you should court, by which he meant, ask a girl’s father for permission. So dating in college was right out. I had a girl I knew tell me that you should get to know a girl for several months before you asked her out.

I watched countless numbers of my friends hem and haw and “befriend” girls before beginning a tentative relationship that ended in heartbreak. I was called disrespectful for flirting (although the girls in question didn’t voice the complaint). We had a speaker in chapel even mention the “not asking out” phenomenon, who suggested that a guy find out a girl’s schedule and run into her “accidentally”, to much murmurings of “stalker” [Incidentally, the speaker in question was an older gentleman who was a very solid guy otherwise]. When I asked girls out, and they actually went out with me, it seems that most of the time they thought I wanted to be friends. How emasculating is that by the way?

Talking to ministers the answer was always some variation of “God has somebody out there for you.” Of course guys often got devastated by breakups thinking that the one God had for them is now gone and they’re doomed to a life of loneliness.

The fruits of all of this was, to my view, a madhouse. We all were trying to play a game where the rules were constantly changing. Not that I didn’t see some good relationships of course, but the general rule was that nothing went well on purpose. I remember talking with my father about this one evening and his response was that Big Christian U. was some sort of hive of insanity.

There was no standard “societal” procedure to begin a relationship with a girl, and the attempt to introduce one (”courting”) seemed, at least to me, to be contrived and disconnected from reality.

In the absence of a structure, the only real solution is to find the “rules” that all forms of male/female interaction have abided by historically. Forms may change, but there are commonalities that stretch across the majority of them. Fundamental principles, that, if known, can help successful relationships with women to begin.

Nearly every society in existence has had some sort of concern with perpetuating itself. Every society has an inherent incentive, if it believes in itself, to ensure that mating goes off without a hitch, families stay together and that cultural values are imparted to the young. The American church’s general answer appears to be summed up in “God has somebody out there for you.” Or a set of rules, like the one CD I got from my “courtship” friend entitled “Biblical Rules for Dating” and managed not to quote the Bible a single time. All of this seemed to be code for, “I don’t know, and can’t really be bothered to find out.” Not, of course, to impugn anyone’s character, I’m sure it was the best answer they knew, it just wasn’t really good enough to actually help.

What I found though is a better answer. One that can actually help.

If you’re new to this site, look around and see if anything resonates with you. Also consider signing up for our list, we’re putting together new content that won’t be found on the blog, where you can learn some of the principles that, I think, define all great relationships.

Just ask yourself one question, “Should something this basic have to be so confusing?”,  

Michael D.

This article is a little more conceptual, so it may not seem as directly dating related. However, it’s information that will make your dating life way easier than it would have been otherwise.

I think, as Christians, we all know that sin is ultimately foolish. That, eventually “crime doesn’t pay”. That, since it offends God, it is not worth it. Of course that knowledge seems a little less real when you’re in the present moment.

I think we have an unnatural fear of doing the right thing out of self interest. It doesn’t seem to matter to us that the Bible appeals to self interest to get men to come to God all the time. It doesn’t seem to occur to us that since God cares about our own well being, that we should care about it as well.

I think the main problem is an understanding of sin that is primarily statutory. We think that God just laid down a bunch of rules arbitrarily. Not that we would say that out loud, but it’s how we act. The problem of sin is that is “privation”, that it is lacking. The nature of sin is more like an act of exchanging 5 dollars for 1 dollar than it is driving over the speed limit. The 1 dollars worth of pleasure or safety that costs us 5 dollars of the same.

If you deliberately choose cowardice, you got a dollar of safety and lost five dollars of strength. Repeated acts of cowardice and you start to go broke spiritually. The same goes for neediness or any other behavior that gets in your way.

Now, the important point is that you don’t have to wait for it to cost you. Every time you act cowardly, the payment on your character is immediate. Almost no one ever does evil for its own sake. They always do it for the sake of some good they want to acheive. However if the goal is “goodness”, you always get a lot less “goodness” in sin than you would otherwise.

Every sin is foolish, not only later, but at the time. In my opinion, that’s why folly is bound up so heavily with sin in Proverbs and Ecclesiastes.

It may sound like it’s crazy to say that doing the right thing is easier on some level than doing the wrong thing. But definitionally this is the case. The trick is, do you want to feel right or be right? If you choose feeling right over being right, you won’t really feel right for long if at all.

So, don’t act like a fool, go with your judgement over your feelings, if you have to choose. If something feels right and is right, than that’s golden! Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not slamming on feelings, and I think it’s perverse to say that someone should go around feeling miserable all of the time. It’s just that your judgement will take you further than whatever passions are occuring in your body at the time.

Michael D.

Click this link for more Christian Dating Advice

…on how to treat you.

Anything judgements you make about yourself have a tendency to filter through. If you view yourself as fundamentally unattractive to women, you can’t be surprised if women treat you the way you treat yourself.

The difficulty arises in that you can’t just say, “I am attractive to women” ten times and switch this thing around. The only real cure for a bad thing is a good thing. Just saying the words like magic isn’t going to solve the problem. You need reasons to believe you’re attractive to women, and reasons to believe that the old self image of “I am unattractive” is not true. Then you need the courage to act on what your mind is telling you.

The greatest dating difficulties for men occur long before they take those first three steps towards the girl, let alone before they’re in a relationship. If a man judges himself unequal to the task of securing a woman’s affection, every step he takes towards a woman will be marred by a mind that is fighting itself, that is acting against a what he “knows” to be true. I personally ruined a really great relationship for pretty much this reason. On a heart level, I thought I wasn’t good enough, and I acted out on that.

Your “self image” is important and, although the term sound’s cheesy, it’s deadly important. The only real way to fix it is to be completely honest with yourself about your faults and about your virtues. As Christian men, we often avoid thinking about the last half, and often think wrongly about the first half.

We often search for a moral “safety margin”, we think that if we think of ourselves as worse than we are we can avoid pride. We also avoid recognizing our own virtues for thinking that it’s “prideful”.

The only problem with this understandable line of thought, is that we’re using lies to get to virtue, and that does not work. God has given each of us great gifts, to disclaim these gifts is pride. To think of ourselves as worse than we are is unjust.

The reality is that you may have to spend some time working on yourself to really be ready for a relationship. But, even if that’s the case, you’ll have far better relationships than you would otherwise.

And you’ll be more ready for them,

Michael D.

We’ve all seen it and we’ve all done it. Trying to impress a girl, trying to get her interest, you end up saying stupid stuff, getting less interest, getting nervous, saying something even stupider in a downward cycle ending in a terminal, “Nice to meet you, Bye [Got to get away from this weird guy]“.

Despair and recklessness alternating back and forth, you don’t think you have a chance with this chick to start with, then you charge in, get bad feedback, a little more despair, rally with recklessness. That is why the process feels painful.

Would you typically get on your hands and knees and crawl to get something out of someone you’ve never met? Just because you’re not physically prostrate doesn’t mean you’re not emotionally prostrate. You’re doing the emotional equivalent of getting on your hands and knees and begging her to like you. Does this seem likely to work? Does it seem likely to make you feel good about yourself?

The fact of the matter is that her opinion shouldn’t mean that much to you until you know her well enough to know that it matters. This, of course, doesn’t mean complete indifference (BTW, if anybody has to say “I don’t care what people think of me”, clearly they do).

This is all well and good to say, of course, everybody “knows” that you can’t come off as desperate, but most men’s solution is to be desperate and try really hard not to seem so. That’s why there’s a stiff strained quality to a man caught in the despair/recklessness cycle, nervous laughter, etc.

However not being desperate is easier than you might think. Aquinas has a great section in the Summa on the qualities of the ”magnanimous” man. What he means by “magnanimous”, isn’t purely generosity, the sense by which we mean it, but more a sense of “greatness”, someone who is really proficient at something, even if that activity is being a man. One of the byproducts of this kind of magnanimity is security. The magnanimous man is secure, feels safe and has a slower, more natural presentation of himself.

According to Aquinas the key to this seems to be that he is only concerning himself with a very few things. When you’re in the despair/recklessness cycle, you’re kind of in a mental fog, trying to do too much at once, your mind is racing to find all sorts of ways to make her like you.

The key is to decide beforehand, perhaps even in your room long beforehand, what things you’ll deliberately focus on when talking to a girl, and the things that you will not focus on. A good list might be

Focus on:

Getting to know her, Revealing a little bit of my own personality so she can get to know me,

Do not focus on:

Wondering whether or not she likes me, wondering what will seem cool to her, anything that seems like “begging” behavior or might be,

The key part of this focus, or non focus, is deliberate intent. You can’t stop ideas from presenting themselves to your mind, or some old holdover feelings of insecurity. But, if you notice you start trending another way, shift your focus back to where you want it to go. “What should I be focusing on?” Remember your list.

And put the begging bowl down,

Michael D.

This qualifies as a “rule of thumb”, which means there may be some times where this does not apply.

If you’ve gotten to hello and had a good interaction, it is best to set up a date right then and there. This is also one of the few times where having some concrete plan beforehand is a good idea. Suggest dinner, coffee, walk in the park, whatever, and set up a date and time. Asking for her phone number flows naturally, so you can coordinate.

This is a solid idea for several reasons. First, it robs the whole “getting the digits” thing of formality. It makes it easier for her to give you her phone number. Next, if you set a date and time, you can cut down on the irritating problem of getting a girl’s phone number, only to have her never pick up. You probably won’t completely get rid of this problem, but the “flake rate” will start trending down.

This is also a good “leading” behavior, and can communicate decisiveness. You also are seeing how “serious” she is about you, giving her a chance to say no. So on that level it’s also a great time and effort saving device.

An extra word about “fear” since that seems to be the dominant experience holding most men who have trouble dating back. I know that when I first started, actually talking to girls was a big enough step, and I  didn’t usually take it to the next step.

 Aquinas makes a distinction between two kinds of fear, a rational fear, the kind of thing that keeps you from walking out into traffic, and irrational fear. Irrational fear is, generally, when you let a fear of a small thing overwhelm your pursuit of a greater thing. This is why we admire courage, if there was nothing to fear it wouldn’t be that laudable.

You don’t have to “feel” brave to “be” brave,

Michael d.

A couple of weeks back, John S. and myself were discussing, if you had to pick one, what would be a woman’s “key” insecurity. Recently, having picked up John Eldredge’s newest book, I was delighted to see that his answer and our answer was the same: fear of being abandoned.

This one insecurity explains a whole host of feminine behaviors in a way that makes them clear. Excessive focus on fashion and personal appearance? Trying to be attractive enough that he won’t leave you. Complete inattention to personal appearance and weight? If he can love you in spite of that, no way is he going to leave. Cattiness towards other attractive women? She might steal what I want to keep.

Also, clearly, if your presence relieves her of this insecurity, guess what? She is going to crave having you around. You are providing a relief from a primal fear. Can you see how this would be addicting?

Now there are, as with everything else, healthy and unhealthy ways to do this, and if you abuse this knowledge, it’s on you.  But there is one behavior you need to exhibit.

Show a capacity for faithfulness! Don’t stare at other women when you are with her. Do what you say you are going to do. These behaviors will help. Of course that is not all there is to it. The next big thing has to do with your major insecurity…which will be dealt with next time.

Michael Dyer

Click this link for more Christian Dating Advice

#1  There is a temptation to view “getting better with women” as a skill, in the same sense that kicking a football is a skill.

Women are human beings. They have desires and dreams just like the rest of us. Using a woman that you have no real interest in as a test subject for getting better at this “skill” is wrong. In the old days they used to call it leading someone on. Don’t make romantic advances towards a woman in a way that does not reflect what you truly intend. She does not exist for you to use her as a stepping stone towards someone you really do want. This is not to say that you shouldn’t talk to a woman unless you are interested in her. You should try to talk to as many people as possible, but if it is not right, then don’t take it further. 

#2 Follow your conscience. If anything I recommend on this page contradicts a moral conviction of yours, don’t think it is “necessary”, and don’t follow it. You may want to research your conviction to see if it is true, but nothing is worth a bad conscience.

#3 Use your head. No advice relieves you of your duty to think. Now there is thinking and there is thinking. “Take 3 Steps” doesn’t mean walking towards a bridesmaid during a wedding ceremony! An exaggeration, but I think you get the point.

#4 Don’t be afraid to step away and come back later. Getting immersed in learning about human relationships is easy to do. It’s fascinating and it is fun. But don’t just keep pressing on, a good rule of thumb is that if you’re getting more and more tired while researching, it’s time to stop for a little while.

#5 Take all of this as serious as necessary, and no more so! You can’t stop mistakes from happening, and you shouldn’t let fear of mistakes keep you from doing anything. Try to keep perspective, as CS Lewis talks about in the Screwtape Letters, we are all subject to the “law of undulation”, energy, interest, and ability are not static or linear.

Keep your head straight,

Michael Dyer

CS Lewis, in the Screwtape Letters, remarks that cowardice is the only sin that is purely painful, painful to contemplate, painful to choose, painful to remember. He also remarked, elsewhere, that courage is a necessary condition for any virtue.

The primary failing in our relationships with women comes from this failing I think. When women say they want a man with “confidence”, aren’t courage and confidence related? How many times do we shut ourselves down before we even get started? If you’re not doing anything wrong by talking to a girl and asking her out, then what is holding you back?

Now, this is not an excuse to stop using your head. But, I think, on a heart level, we all know the difference between cowardice and prudence. If you don’t walk over and talk to her because she’s with her boyfriend, that’s just prudence, no reason to feel guilty. But, we all have had those moments where we knew it was the right thing, it was something we wanted to do and nothing was wrong with it, that we failed to step up to the plate.

Why do men do this? It’s not just pure cravenness. What if she says no? Has a boyfriend? Is insulting? (that last one, a real fear for many guys, pretty much never happens in real life, by the way) The answer to these fears is common sense. If she says no? You don’t know why she is saying that, no reason to judge her or yourself harshly. Has a boyfriend? Is it strange that another man wanted what you want? Is insulting? She can’t possibly know you well enough to be justified in insulting you, if you meet one of these statistical outliers, move on, she’s probably not what you really want anyway.

God wants you to freely choose the right thing. What causes conflict is double-mindedness. You know you need to do something, yet you also believe that doing that thing is too painful. The truth of the matter is that the pain of not doing is always far worse. Regret lasts longer and cuts deeper than rejection. You also know that cowardice hasn’t worked out for you so far.

This may feel like a pep talk, but the principle goes deeper. Every time you deliberately back down when you know you should step forward you move farther and farther away from the thing you want most. A useful exercise is, “Take 3 Steps”. Once you’ve taken three steps towards a girl, you know you can’t back down without looking stupid. Once you’ve committed, the tendency is for a lot of the anxiety to go away as well (part of the reason for this is spiritual, but we’ll have to go more into that later).

3 steps, don’t focus on anything else, just take 3 steps forward,

Michael D.

Now that you have some tools for interpreting what’s going on in your mind, and for focusing your efforts on your choices, the next step is perhaps best illustrated by a story John S. said that he heard from one of the ministers.

Becoming a Christian is like being a beggar, you’re hungry and a man invites you into a restaurant where you not only get fed, but he tells you that he is going to make you a full partner in the business. You’re not only getting the food you need, but who you are has changed. You’re no longer a homeless and hungry beggar, but you are now a resteraunteur! However, shifting from the beggar mindset to the business owner mindset is a pretty big shift, isn’t it?

The fact of the matter is, a lot of who you think you are is not true, not anymore. You’re playing your life out by a script written for a role that you are no longer suited to play. This script has cast you in the part of a man who is insecure, who thinks that money, looks, or “magic” are the dominating parts of his romantic life, who knows on some level that he should become a better man but doesn’t know how.

As Christians, we know that all sin begins in the heart, in the attitudes and beliefs we form about something before we actually “act”. Perhaps the single biggest enemy you have is passivity in the face of a self concept that no longer applies. We’re faced with challenges and temptations, and our response is, far too frequently, indifference of one kind or another. We have accepted as true impressions of ourselves that are false.

Throughout the Bible, our ability to form a right opinion of something and to take a right action seems to me to be presupposed. It is assumed that you know can see the difference between good and evil. It is assumed that you are capable of acting well or acting poorly. In the Bible, you also seem to be judged by the level of knowledge that you have more than the content of any one action or attitude.

So you shouldn’t feel too guilty, as a general rule, for what was in your past, when you didn’t know any better. You are no longer a beggar. You are learning about how to be a better man, which, if you weren’t before, definitively means you are a better man now. You need to accept that as true and act like it. Fix an idea in your mind of the man you want to become, if you want to become this sort of man, it means that being that kind of man is already a part of you in some way. To become that better future self in practice, ask how this better self , what attitudes would he have? What actions would he take? What would he avoid? What would he think is false?

Remember part II, you can’t avoid all of the impressions and bad attidues from popping into your head, but they don’t become a part of you until you accept them. If you avoid what damages you, and move towards what strengthens you, the better you, the part of you that is strong, good, and happy becomes stronger, better, and happier. The part of you which is the worse part becomes weaker and less dominant.

Michael D.