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Why is it that asking a girl out makes things awkward? Why does she want to be friends first? Why do they always assure me that God has somebody out there for me, but it never seems to be her?

It’s not that these girls never end up dating, you see them with other guys. They may even be your friends, there seem to be plenty of guys who she doesn’t ask to be friends first, and who she didn’t “comfort” with the knowledge that God has somebody out there for them. What do they have that you don’t?

Of course the answer to that sometimes seems obvious. The guys that I saw had success were frequently better looking than I was, or had some “cool” thing about them, in a band, worship leader etc. I wasn’t going to get better looking and I still can’t sing, so I was tempted to think that that was that as far as I was concerned.

I mean, I wasn’t asking for a lot, I thought that if she could spend a few minutes getting to know me over coffee, she might give me a shot. If it doesn’t work out, so be it, but it felt like I was condemned as unsuitable before I even got a chance.

It turns out I was, but I couldn’t see it. Your “chance” starts from the moment you walk up.

“And because he saw it pleased the Jews…”Acts 12:3

Now, the verse above deals with Herod after he martyred James the brother of John, but looking at the words, there is something else interesting there. It says that he “saw” that something “pleased” someone else. We know what this means. In our dealings with people we can see a thousand different emotions written on someone’s face.

When you walk up to a girl and you’re nervous, maybe a little needy, she can see it a mile away and it kind of skeeves her out. But, she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, so you get palmed off with something that sounds reasonable. What she doesn’t know, or think about, however, is that she’s kind of harming you, because you’re not getting any real feedback on why she’s brushing you off.

Trust me on this, trust me because you’ve seen it yourself, people can sense weakness in others. They can sense insecurity, and if you’re coming off as insecure or desperate, it’s repellent.

So, no, Christian women aren’t crazy, at least not when they’re trying to discourage a brother they’re not attracted to without hurting his feelings. But there is good news, in that you can become an attractive man that she doesn’t want to discourage, that she is actually excited about having around. It’s in your grasp,

More later,

Michael D.

All the time I was growing up in the Church, I received a lot of advice and counsel about relationships with women. I was warned about the dangers of promiscuity, and learned that “worldly” dating was the cause of much harm. I was told to save myself for marriage and to “guard my heart”.

I was also left completely unprepared to start and have a healthy relationship.

So much time was spent on the dangers of dating, that precious little seemed left to instruct me in how to be a man, how to relate to the opposite sex, and how to actually pursue a woman. I never learned how to talk to women, but what I did learn was a host of attitudes that crippled my ability to interact with the opposite sex. I ”learned” that Courtship is the only acceptable way to pursue a girl. I “learned” that you should be “friends first”. I ”learned” that considering physical attraction  was “worldly”, as if beauty itself was “worldly”.  I “learned” that men were beasts, and women were angels, as opposed to both of us being human. I also learned that chastity was easy if you never had a girlfriend. And, if masculinity ever did show up, it was of the chest beating variety without much substance.

After enough pain and enough searching, I’ve learned things that I believe can help you, because they certainly helped me. From Aquinas to Chesterton to Eldredge, I read Christian authors who have a far saner view of how a man acts and relates to women. More than sane, a far deeper view, that goes deep into understanding God and His design.

On this blog, among other things, you will learn how to attract women, how to choose the right kind of woman, how to be more of the man you were designed to be, and the real meaning and purposes of human sexuality. Above all, though, I hope you learn something that can bring you closer to God.

Michael D.