Men’s Christian Dating Blog

Dating Advice, Tips, and Tactics

First Steps: Eliminating Neediness and Actually Enjoying Women

Jul 11

Posted by Michael in Uncategorized | 10 Comments

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If we speak of the happiness of this life, the happy man needs friends…not, indeed, to make use of them, since he suffices himself..but…that he may do good to them; that he may delight in seeing them do good; and again that he may be helped by them in his good work.-Aquinas

“…a good man shall be satisfied from himself.” Proverbs 14:14

Two things are always necessary to getting what you want, moving towards it and eliminating obstacles. One of the biggest issues for guys is neediness, feeling needy and acting needy.

If you’ve ever dealt with a needy person, you know how weird and sometimes creepy it can get. The minute neediness enters the picture, don’t you feel like running away? What makes us think we can get away with this when dealing with women?

One of the biggest steps you can take is just learning how to be happy and satisfied in general. We all want to be around happy, confident people and women are no different. Where men often get screwed up is when they pursue women in the hopes that their acceptance will provide that little emotional boost of happiness and strength.

Now this is a huge topic in and of itself, but it doesn’t have to be hard to put it into practice. I really like the way Aquinas describes friendship, it’s not something you need to get from others to feel good about yourself, it’s because you already feel good about yourself, if you’re a good man. From that point, you want to be able to respond favorably to the good in others, “rejoicing” in it because it reflects God. You also want to do good to your friends, not as a roundabout way of getting them to do good to you, but for its own sake, it feels good to you internally. Finally, good friends help you to do good things together.

Women are “special friends”. Don’t treat her like a resource to give you something you need. Treat her like a human being, rejoice in the good that is in her, and do good to her, and when you meet the right one, get married and you can certainly do a good thing together!

Learning how to really be benevolent towards another human being is one of the chief things that will make you really attractive to emotionally healthy members of the opposite sex. She’ll know that she can trust you, and be more likely to open up. Never forget, women risk a lot more in sexuality than men, emotionally and physically, so trust is crucial. If you want to be trusted, become trustworthy.

Great News! You can change what you’re doing to attract women!

Jul 10

Posted by Michael in First Steps | 1 Comment

 

How do I know? Because I’ve done it.

 

You see, in the beginning, I wasn’t just told no. Most frequently I just got a phone number for a girl that never picked up. Or, I went on what I thought was a date, only to find out later that she had a boyfriend and thought I was just being friendly. This happened several dozen times in a row (so many in fact that I lost track).

 

However, by changing what I was doing, I started to get results. I flirted with girls and they flirted back. I started going on dates where we BOTH thought it was a date. I even, shock, got girlfriends.

 

I learned that it didn’t have to be the way I thought it was, basically waiting for something to fall out of the sky and go my way. I learned that getting a girlfriend wasn’t magic, or luck.

 

I also learned about multitudes of men that had done the exact same thing. I also learned that you didn’t have to sacrifice your faith or character to do it. I also learned that having a stronger relationship with God actually helps.

 

You, as a man, are not supposed to be passive. God is not passive and you are made in His image. Why do we, as Christian men, think that everything else in life requires effort, but, somehow, since “God has somebody out there for you”, that this one issue will just “fall together” when “the time is right”. Who told us this? Does God say this?

 

For most of us step one is easy. Think about what it means to be passive, is it manly? Does it honor God? Does it even feel good? Isn’t passivity just indifference? Why not try being active, actually pursuing what you know you want and know is right.

 

Nothing goes anywhere until you take that first step. Be active, even if it’s just a little bit more. Be more aggressive, even if it’s just a little bit more. Then ask if this doesn’t somehow improve things, however little. Get into the habit of just taking smaller steps towards pursuing the opposite sex, and towards pursuing the things that you fundamentally want. Whether that’s learning more, or just screwing up the courage to ask one girl out a week, move forward. It costs you very little to try, just start moving and see if the first step doesn’t help you take the next one.

Michael D.

Have You Kissed Dating Good-bye?

Jul 6

Posted by Michael in Reviews | 1 Comment

 

I’m sure Joshua Harris’ heart is in the right place. And there is plenty to agree with, but I wonder if we’re not getting involved in semantic word games.

 

I have a friend who decided not to date in college, since he couldn’t get married in college. Laudable idea as far as it goes. Same went for law school. Couldn’t date until he had a job. Fine. Then enough money to support a family. Fine. Courtship is the way to go anyway. Can’t find dating in the Bible. Can’t find courtship either, so what can you find? Bargaining with a father for his daughter seemed to be the standard. Of course this isn’t as harsh as it sounds and makes a lot of sense as far as that goes. Most “arranged” marriages aren’t universally the top down enforced semi-slavery they sound like, but are in fact quite different in many cultures. The Orthodox Jews often practice shidduch, or matchmaking, and are in fact forbidden from marrying a bride or groom sight unseen.

 

Here’s something else to consider anyway. Dating isn’t mentioned, but neither are cars. Just because something isn’t mentioned in the Bible doesn’t make it wrong, if it was we’d have to go full blown Amish and beyond, in fact we would have to go, it seems to me, in a direction the Bible does not command. I do not recall anything in the Bible that commands us to use only what is found in it alone.

 

Harris’ focus seems to be on engaging in a relationship with a girl where the focus has a little more gravity than just having fun. No arguments here. All I suggest from dating is that it is a tool where you get to know a girl to see if you would be a good match. You can call it dating or courtship, but the thing is fundamentally the same. The only significant addition is that you ought to seek out a girl’s father before going forward first, but I think that this is a principle that makes a lot more sense if you’re in a community where doing so does not make you look like a total nut hatch. Are we really commanded to do so anyway?

 

Far be it from me however to argue someone into doing something that they can’t in good conscience do. I am not a fit candidate to tell you what God’s specific flight plan is for you, and it may be part of your journey. All I ask is that you consider what you’re really commanded or not commanded to do and be in open minded. Make any decision you make without reasonable doubt.

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Who We Are: Christian Men are in Dating Trouble

Jul 6

Posted by Michael in Introduction | 1 Comment

All the time I was growing up in the Church, I received a lot of advice and counsel about relationships with women. I was warned about the dangers of promiscuity, and learned that “worldly” dating was the cause of much harm. I was told to save myself for marriage and to “guard my heart”.

I was also left completely unprepared to start and have a healthy relationship.

So much time was spent on the dangers of dating, that precious little seemed left to instruct me in how to be a man, how to relate to the opposite sex, and how to actually pursue a woman. I never learned how to talk to women, but what I did learn was a host of attitudes that crippled my ability to interact with the opposite sex. I ”learned” that Courtship is the only acceptable way to pursue a girl. I “learned” that you should be “friends first”. I ”learned” that considering physical attraction  was “worldly”, as if beauty itself was “worldly”.  I “learned” that men were beasts, and women were angels, as opposed to both of us being human. I also learned that chastity was easy if you never had a girlfriend. And, if masculinity ever did show up, it was of the chest beating variety without much substance.

After enough pain and enough searching, I’ve learned things that I believe can help you, because they certainly helped me. From Aquinas to Chesterton to Eldredge, I read Christian authors who have a far saner view of how a man acts and relates to women. More than sane, a far deeper view, that goes deep into understanding God and His design.

On this blog, among other things, you will learn how to attract women, how to choose the right kind of woman, how to be more of the man you were designed to be, and the real meaning and purposes of human sexuality. Above all, though, I hope you learn something that can bring you closer to God.

Michael D.